One of the most common phrases I hear when I’m asking a client about themselves is “I’m very hard on myself” or “I’m always hard on myself and I don’t know why.” As therapy progresses, I start noticing all the ways that this is true for them, whether it’s in their work life, home life, relationships, or therapy itself. So what is it that’s happening here exactly? Why do so many of us find it so difficult to offer ourselves forgiveness and grace? Even if we can do so for others. Even if we recognize the pattern. Even if we know we should go easier on ourselves. 

What is Perfectionism

First, let’s name the pattern. Though I could offer many descriptions, I believe the best word that encapsulates this phenomenon is “perfectionism”. Perfectionism is the belief that absolute perfection is achievable, the demand of oneself and/or others to reach that flawlessness, and a combination of cognitive and behavioral patterns designed to meet those extremely high expectations. 

There are several ways we can experience perfectionism. We can direct perfectionist ideals at ourselves, we can project it on to others, or we can experience it being projected on to us by others (or through our perceptions of others). You either hold yourself to impossibly high standards, believe others expect this of you, and/or expect such standards from others. You may fear constant judgment or others watching and waiting for you to mess up. 

Maybe in some ways a perfectionistic mindset helps you achieve. So really what is so bad about striving for perfection? Always trying to get better, expecting yourself to be a high achiever, it almost sounds like confidence or ambition. But pursuing excellence and pursuing flawlessness is not the same. Perfectionism has a darker side that I am here to address. So what is the difference?

Perfectionism vs. Excellence

On the outside, perfectionism and excellence look similar, the intention to do well and always seeking to improve oneself or one’s craft. Perfectionism, however, is rooted in fear and shame while excellence is not. In a perfectionistic mindset, if it is not a complete success, it is a failure (all or nothing). Mistakes must be avoided at all cost to avoid “failure”. This fear of failure is internalized and outcomes of eventual, inevitable mistakes are turned into self-judgment and shame. However, if you are striving for excellence, you embrace your mistakes as an opportunity for growth. You see the outcomes and success as a whole story, not all or nothing. Instead of being motivated by fear, you are driven by your own passion and purpose. And you recognize your worth as intrinsic and internal. Your self-worth is not tied to the outcome or any specific mistake or achievement. By striving for excellence instead of perfection, you can keep the same values but with a kinder, benevolent approach.

I have already mentioned an all-or nothing approach and fear of failure. Here are some other common behavioral outcomes of perfectionism:

1. Procrastination (because if it’s not perfect, why start?)
2. Hard-time simultaneously accepting feedback and not internalizing
3. Overworking or burnout
4. Struggling to rest or celebrate wins
5. People-pleasing, hiding mistakes, or defensiveness
6. Chronic dissatisfaction or feeling “not good enough”
7. Difficulty expressing or finding pleasure in creativity
8. Poor leadership (inability to delegate tasks or overworking your team members)

Social Narrative and Generational Trauma

Perfectionism has a history in our society. It can be argued that perfectionist mindsets have some crossover with capitalist ideals, such as placing more value on what an individual can produce or have rather than the individual themselves. In other words, you are only as good as what you can get from/give society. In this productivity, hustle culture, we are not very forgiving to others or ourselves (Butler, 2019; Kasser, 2007). What should be given grace, or at the very least normalized as common human experiences deserving of attention, such as rest, mistakes, and vulnerability, are seen as weaknesses.

Perfectionism is integrated in multiple, larger, societal systems, including financial/work life, social media, and education. Social media constantly feeds us false messages of what is reasonable and realistic and has us constantly comparing ourselves to these expectations. Additionally, our mistakes may be recorded and catalogued on the internet for everyone to see, carving an easy path to shame and ostracization, and in a cyclical way, more fear and anxiety to make mistakes to avoid this outcome. 

Our education system creates a hierarchy based on academic merit. Students are constantly tested and graded and their success is defined narrowly by these scores, not taking into account the individual student’s unique experience. The way to get noticed for your success is by “overachieving”. And if you don’t make a passing grade, it’s an “F” for failure. If a student is not able to handle the workload, it is the fault of the student, not the system in which they must operate in. Similar mechanisms resound in the workplace as it does in education, employers taking the place of teachers and performance reviews taking the place of grades. 

At the family level, messages of perfectionism can come from the family of origin and are transferred through generations. In general these messages might be generally high expectations or love and affection being given only when certain conditions are met, when there has been some type of achievement or for specific “good” behaviors in conjunction with punishment and disappointment for making a mistake or “failing”. If caregivers themselves are perfectionistic and unforgiving, their child may pick up on these behaviors and copy this modeling. 

It is important to mention here that intersecting with these aforementioned systemic factors, marginalized communities and neurodivergent individuals have their own unique experiences with perfectionism. Individuals from marginalized communities may experience perfectionism as a form of resilience against discrimination or to overcome oppressive forces that might otherwise overcome them (Doan et al., 2022). Neurodivergent individuals may develop perfectionistic tendencies to cope and adapt to a world that is hostile to their needs rather than accommodating. Perfectionist behaviors are used to try to balance life and social demands with the capacity to perform in said world (Steinhert et al., 2021).  Perfectionism is a tool for survival and a way for us to protect ourselves, and it is often at the cost of our own mental and physical health . 

Changing the Narrative

We know what perfectionism is and where it comes from. What do we do about it? Knowing its roots doesn’t automatically get rid of our personal struggles with perfectionism but it does give us a starting point in building awareness and empowerment in making choices about our own thoughts and behaviors. We begin untangling what is ours and what is others, how these systemic issues have impacted our personal identities. (See article on identity for more specific exercises to reevaluate beliefs). 

Here are a few exercises for letting go of perfectionistic tendencies:

Reflection Questions

Here are a few reflection questions to begin the process of acknowledging the systemic impacts: 

• If I were to take a break/take time off, what would my employer think? What would my coworkers think? What would I think?
• Do I follow any sort of content on social media focused on the “hustle” or “grind” culture? On self-care and rest? What sort of messages do I see being promoted most often?
• Where did I first learn that I needed to be perfect? 
• Do my perfectionistic thoughts sound like me or someone else? If someone else, who?
• What am I or that person trying to protect me from?

Affirmations

Affirmations can assist in creating a new narrative that we see ourselves aligning with. Affirmations can be thoughts, verbal statements, or written, visual reminders. Here are some self-affirmations for acknowledgement of systemic impact, self-compassion, and growth:

• I am allowed to rest. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to be human.
• With every breath, I soften the legacy of pressure and fear.
• I choose self-compassion over self-criticism.
• I choose presence over perfection.
• I choose to heal, not just for me — but for those who came before, and those who will come after.
• I am allowed to be a work in progress. I am already enough.
• I don’t need to earn love, rest, or peace by performing.
• My worth is not tied to my productivity, perfection, or how others see me. I am not here to prove my worth. I am here to live it.

Intentional Rest

Often when we have a perfectionistic mindset, we feel as though we must always be doing something productive, that if the product is not perfect or worth it, it is not worth doing. A simple way to begin challenging this is to try intentionally doing nothing. Set aside some time to sit and do nothing. You might begin with 5 minutes, see how you handle it, and increase the amount of time you can tolerate as you continue to practice intentional rest. You can observe your thoughts in this time but this is also not a time to try to think about anything specific.  You may experience unpleasant emotions during this time, boredom, frustration, angst. Accept their presence and do not judge them. Allow yourself to observe how your experience might change each time you practice this. 

Creative Activity

Choose one creative activity (e.g. writing, drawing, painting, playing an instrument) that you have either not picked up in a long time or have always wanted to try. Begin that activity with several intentions: a focus on the present and not the outcome, acceptance of mistakes, and pleasure to be found in experiencing and discovering. When other thoughts invade your mind such as “I’m doing this wrong” or “This is pointless” or “I’m not good at this”, acknowledge the existence of the thought and gently turn your attention back to your original intentions. If you feel up to it, you may add one of your affirmations to remind yourself of your new approach. 

Invitation to Reflect: More Questions to Change the Narrative

You may use these questions to begin exploring your own individual beliefs about perfection. You may consider journaling about these reflections to dive deeper. 

When I feel like I’ve failed, what do I fear that says about me?

What am I afraid might happen if I rest or slow down? 

Are these beliefs/behaviors still protecting me?

What would it feel like to let go of just 5% of my need to be perfect?

References

Butler, S. (2019). The impact of advanced capitalism on well-being: An evidence-informed model. Human Arenas, 2, 200–227. 

Doan, S., Yu, S., Wright, B., Fung, J. & Saleem, F. (2022). Resilience and family socialization processes in ethnic minority youth: Illuminating the achievement-health paradox. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25, 75-92. 

Kasser, T., Cohn, S., Kanner, A. D., & Ryan, R. M. (2007). Some costs of american corporate capitalism: A psychological exploration of value and goal conflicts. Psychological Inquiry, 18(1), 1–22. 

Steinert, C., Heim, N., & Leichsenring, F. (2021). Procrastination, perfectionism, and other work-related mental problems: prevalence, types, assessment, and treatment—A scoping review; Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12.